Dreaming With a Broken Heart [Day 18 or 17, lost track, but Facebook has been deleted]

It's truly amazing the roller coasters I go through. They amaze me more and more with each twist and turn. How they have the full capability to take me from my highest to my lowest in a matter of hours.

I am single.

I will choose to live by "all things happen for a reason" at this moment of my roller coaster ride. I think for me there really ended up being one way to get out of the "relationship" I was in, and that happened and this could end up being truly positive for me.

Hate is a strong word, I agree.

Yesterday I went to Yoga for the People and cried, it was raining out so it ended up working perfectly.

We get attached to people, whether they are good or bad for us it doesn't always seem to matter. Three years is a especially long time to get attatched. I fell asleep signing Cristina Aguilera and figured out my goal for the next chapter of my life:

I am going to learn to love and trust myself again.

I'll start by buying a new journal, because with each chapter of my life I find it best to start from fresh, not having those previous pages filled with prior emotions. Maybe try going to yoga a little more, do great on all of my finals, maybe drink a little this weekend, and find some great music to scream! (any suggestions besides this John Mayer, "Killing Me Softly" & "Cry Me a River")

My mother is going to be in The City today, thank God.

To all of my loved ones reading this: I'm okay. Just ridding this roller coaster. I love you. Feel free to call.

Hello My Name Is: Fresh Start

3 am Drama! [Day 16]

Yes its 3 am right now, so I'm going to try to make this quick. I just got of of the longest phone call I've ever had with my boyfriend. First we were arguing over email for about an hour, which might I add is our only argument for the past 3 years of our relationship. Say what you want, we are officially working on it! I'm not writing to tell you our whole argument, let me just say I do feel amazing and rejuvenated right now though.

So, THE question came up. Yes, that question that you never actually realized how hard it was to answer. No, not do you love me. And no not the terrible question that follows that: Why do you love me?

But!

The question:

What is the difference (REAL difference) between a friend and a boy/girl friend?

.

.

.

.

Think about it.

Okay so I can guess what your thinking right now.

A girl/boy friend is always there for you, you can tell them anything, they are a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk about anything with.

Yes this is true.

But is that not also a description of a best friend?

So the real question is- What's the difference between a BEST friend and girl/boy friend?

Can you answer that?!

Well I looked it up on Google and the obvious dumb and upsetting responses came up:

You see your boy/girl friend naked, you kiss, hold hands differently, cuddle and possibly have sex with your boy/girl friend.

That was upsetting to me, I didn't want that to be the only reason! And I was definitely stumped for a while.

But, I figured it out, at least for me.

Answer: The difference is that in a relationship with a boy/girl friend, there is a sense of working togetherness, but also a sense of equality, or trying to make things equal in a relationship. At least thats what's strived for, both people want love, happiness, pleasure and wouldn't it be amazing if it could be equal for both person. In a best friend relationship this is not established. Equality is not a necessity. Your best friend actually may not always be there, also your best friend may talk your ear off complaining on the phone for an hour about their day, but after not have the attention to listen to you complain for an equal time. In boy/girl friend relationship that time would be taken, and thats why those phone bills get so darn big.

Now best friends I'm not saying your not there for me! But, that is the difference!

& hey, who knows this could change. Hopefully it would be that equality gets established between friends and not the opposite.

Hello My Name Is: Epiphany!

Listening to A Tribe Called Quest [5]

Last night I went to a party in Alphabet City, 
didn't know anyone and ended up laying on the roof with my two friends, 
it was freezing, 
but beautiful. 
We got cold pretty fast and decided to leave 
and then went on a mad hunt for a place that would sell a burrito.
I was having the biggest craving!
We walked all over, 
by now it was after 12 am, which I personally thought was early, 
but I guess the burrito places felt differently. 
We gave up around 1 am and freezing cold went back to our dorm.


We put some pajamas on and a sqeeeezed into one bed and watch "The Proposal." 
It was pretty tight but actually fun. 
I feel like being that close (literally), 
shows how close we are really becoming, sorry if that was confusing.


I noticed a similar feeling the other day when I had to take the 4 train at rush hour to Brooklyn.
It was packed, but in NYC for me even packed places feel divided. 
It was a different feeling on this train, it was packed and people actually felt more "together." 
I can't really describe it. 
I guess in a way the train was so packed 
that not everyone was able to hold onto something 
so people were kind of leaning on each other. 
To lean on someone else, to me, 
feels in a way like you are depending on them, 
and in NYC depending on a random person, for any reason, 
just doesn't happen. 
At that time it felt like it did.


Just my thought.


So, I woke up a little while ago, after falling asleep a little after 3 am. 
I've been listening to A Tribe Called Quest all morning. 
Plan on starting some homework soon. 
Thanksgiving is around the corner and I haven't been home for a month (which is HUGE). 
I'll be home Tuesday!


Wearing- Grey Tights (?), Floral Skirt (Express $5), White V-Neck T-Shirt($1-2?), Tan Jacket (Giorgio Armani $7.50), Belt (Came with a dress).


I was watching A Tribe Called Quest videos on Youtube and came across this video. 
I love ATCQ and Kid Cudi but I'm not sure how I feel about this video. 
I like it but I feel like they really changed the whole meaning of the song. 
What do you think?






Hello My Name Is: Buggin' Out

Beyoncé & Lady Gaga [Day 4]

My friend and I have been watching a lot of Lady Gaga lately. She is a pretty awesome & who could dislike a compilation of both of these fashion icons performers/singers . . . the list can go on. So, it need not be said that I love this video.





I especially love the Beyoncé at 4 minutes!
What do you think?


Hello My Name Is: Sleepy [& going back to sleep]

Phone Photography [Day 3]

Technology- It's really kind of interesting how almost everyone walking around has some type of camera on them at all time. I walk around The City and have kicked myself for not having my camera on me. For example, I was in Times Square and when I went down to get on the train there was a street performer changing into his Mickey Mouse costume: Great picture! Then later, I kicked myself for not remembering that I have a phone, with a camera. Duhhh!
So here are so phone photos, since those kicks. Hope you enjoy, may become a new part of my blog.

        

Top of the Rock

Michael Kors

The L Train, Silver Man

Written on Trash

Jr's

Nose Piercing

Brooklyn Party

Spray Painted Gold

Architecture

Elevator

Queen for a Day

Water Towers

Hello My Name Is: ???

Day 2

I truthfully don't want this to become a sad entry each day, and I apologize for the lack of a smile in my picture. I have been smiling. Yesterday was difficult, a part of my looks at his picture and still doesn't believe. I still have my memories of him, they do not disappear.


People say "deaths come in three." A saying that really scared me, because thats the last thing you want to think about. This week has been weird, but I do see the "three." Tuesday, in class we watched a film on 9/11, then Derek, then Wednesday it was a documentary on "Jonestown" and Jim Jones. Those were the three deaths, all in the past. Its weird how chance works out sometimes.


So, in times like this, I shop. Just like the economy wants me to do. Its interesting because I read that shopping actually gives off endorphins, so maybe it really a addiction. Luckily, I am a thrifty shopper. Recently I got a D&G jean jacket for $7 !!! Yep, it still had the hologram on it and everything.  I should be getting a G-Shock watch I ordered in the mail any day now as well as a pair of Jessica Simpson tights  and some American Apparel Tricot Leggings, in black though. 


Of course I bargain hunted all of these things, because its not like in a state of sorrow I suddenly have money, unfortunately. 


Oh! If you didn't notice, I got my nose pierced this past weekend. Its been kind of a nuisance, I didn't realize how much I love blowing my nose, and how difficult it is now.

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The random musings of Asha Kati

You haven't met her yet, but her name is Asha Kati. She is 18 and going to college in Chicago. And she's one of my best friends. She is a mini fashionista, I say mini because of her height.    [ =   She misses me a lot! And I can't wait to see her over Thanksgiving break. 
Well maybe I'll interview her later but here are her musings for today:


Things that go with cigarettes*:

 *I have based my list on the people I see walking down the street, people on TV, in books, movies, and the people I know personally.

1.       Coffee

2.       Sushi

3.       Sex

4.       Thick rimmed glasses

5.       Red lipstick

6.       Lunch

7.       Coughing

8.       Pleasure

9.       Bad breath

10.   Silence

11.   Cancer

12.    Parks

13.    Self loathing

14      Silver

1.       Sidewalks

16.   Stress

17.   Boredom

18.   Parties

19.   Curiousity

20.   Dirt

21.   Addiction

22.   Donuts

23.   Fingers

24.   Doorways

25.   Artists

26.   Alcohol

27.   Lounges

28.   Non-smokers

29.   Writers

30.   Hallways

31.   Cool

32.   Cardigans

33.   Musicians

34.   Books

35.   Alleys

36.   Stairs

37.   Photography

38.   Fashion

39.   Red bull

40.   Everything

& cancer [I'd like to add]

Hello My Name Is: Coping [not smoking]

R.I.P. Derek Giles- Day 1 of Facebook Hiatus

Last night at around 12:30 AM I was in Brooklyn at my cousins house and we were sitting in bed on Facebook. I noticed a friend request from a girl I went to elementary school with and really haven't seen since my graduation from 4th grade. I accepted the request and was looking at her page and noticed a conversation she was having with another friend from elementary school. I go to their "Wall-to-Wall" and read them reminiscing about what they remember and who they remember. Then mention my name and one said she remembered me because I was Derek's girlfriend.

Person A: Did you hear about what happened to him (Derek)?
Person B: No
Person A: He was all ready to go to college and died like a year and a half ago in a car accident.
Person B: Aw man thats to bad... (& then she went right back to more reminiscing).

So, I am snooping around on Facebook and through two peoples conversation find out that my first boyfriend, from 1st to 4th grade and friend is supposedly dead. My mind can't even comprehend.

I search frantically on Google. In their conversation his name was spelled incorrectly so I was coming up with nothing. To me it was still unreal. I remembered how to spell his name, Derek Giles, and as I start typing it into the Google search box it finishes my writing for me, "derek giles car accident."

I was shaken, I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. He died January 10th, 2009 at around 5 AM. Thats almost a year ago! He was 17!

He and his family moved to Florida a while ago, but I would get phone calls from him on my house phone (I have lived in the same house my entire life). Then he started calling my cell and we texted. I still don't think I have seen him since our graduation but we had a connection. My first boyfriend, we got married in the school yard in 4th grade. I wrote about him in my diary, I have still have our love notes to each other saved.

For years we would speak every year on Valentines Day, I should of noticed when I didn't receive a call this year.

My friend is dead. And to make it worse,  I found out through other peoples "Wall-to-Wall" on Facebook! This CANNOT be our means of conversation! I want to talk to people, whether it be face to face, on the phone. Even email and texting are vastly different forms on commutating then what Facebook is and what its becoming. Facebook can hardly ever be a conversation between two people, anyone can see it. Conversations between random friends are displayed on the "Newsfeed" every time you log on.

Is this really what we are becoming?

18, is the age Derek was going to turn, and it is the amount of days I will not go on Facebook. It will no longer be a daily time consumer for me. I will call people, email, text, video chat. It will no longer be my means of communication and being a college student in NYC, away from my family and friends will not be a excuse to go on Facebook anymore.

How did we once live without it?

R.I.P. Derek Giles

We love you!

Youtube Memorial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxwVf8w6vrA

Newspaper Articles:

http://www2.tbo.com/content/2009/jan/10/3-dead-early-morning-wreck-pasco-troopers-say/news-metro/

http://www.tampabay.com/news/article965754.ece